Mike, you know I love you, but did you have to go and write this?

Today, New York political personalities, like H & H Bagels, travel badly. They lose texture with every mile from the Upper West Side. By the time they reach South Carolina, they're like zeppole that have been trucked down from Mulberry Street -- alien and unpalatable. The Carolinian forgets that zeppole taste different where they're baked. But that doesn't do the zeppole much good.

Or they're like a Broadway show -- the touring company can't make the same magic! Or they're like Sylvia's hot sauce -- better on Lenox Avenue than bottled for mass consumption! Or they're like Junior's cheesecake -- you don't want the takeout boxes! Jesus Christ.