Monday, October 23, 2006
Stay with me, be my wife:
Dear Iraq,

I'll be the first to admit it: We've had our problems. Your friends all told me you were totally into me, and wanted me to come by -- some of them were telling me to back off, I was coming on too strong -- and then when I showed up, I thought we really had something. I'll be honest, too, although I know you think I haven't been. When you started taking all those shots at me, it hurt. I tried to shrug it off, say it wasn't serious, but they wounded me, and I'm not used to being wounded. You have a point when you say I've been too controlling, but I don't think it justifies what you've done.

But, look: I'm not going to leave you. You say you want me gone, and sometimes parts of you say I need to stay, and my friends now tell me I'd be better off without you, but I'm just not going to listen. I want you in my life forever, as this brand-new article by Spencer Ackerman explains. I'm not going anywhere, girl. If you hear me say otherwise, don't believe me: sometimes I just need my friends to get off my back. It's me and you, Iraq. FOREVER.


The United States of America
--Spencer Ackerman